Bleeding in your name

He told me he loved me

and when I turned away he ran to me,

dropped to his knees in front of me and said he was sorry,

grabbed me and pulled me close to him,

buried his face into my stomach,

pleaded for my love,

pleaded for me to not give up on him.

And the blood began dripping from my wrists,

my hand is his hair trying to comfort him,

I watched as it seeped into his hair.

I dropped to my knees.

I pulled him close and held him,

but I felt nothing. 

I watched the blood stain his clothes.

He told me he loves me.

I said nothing.

He opened his eyes, 

panic.

He began wrapping one of my arms in his shirt.

He cried.

And I raised my hand to his cheek to comfort him,

caressed it and said:

“I love for you,”

“I hurt for you,”

“I bleed for you.”

He held me in his arms

And I closed my eyes.

I felt nothing.

And soon after I was nothing.

______: quiet, calm

a chaotic energy, a chaotic sound.

My body cleansed by the salt air,

like the layer of fear and rationality has been vanished by the vapor in my lungs.

Nothing makes sense about it,

but it doesn’t scare me like the unknown normally does.

There’s something about the sound,

something about the coolness around.

I am filling and being filled.

In and apart of this…

this atmosphere.

I am drawn to it, to where I am meant to be;

It just feels right.

I walk.


Footsteps on unmade glass,

a clear path.

My toes squish and sink,

but I feel arissen.

I can feel the rising sea.

I can see:

water at my feet,

burying my ankles,

water at my waist,

getting closer to my face,

closer to my peace.

And in my vision there is no drowning,

no water filling my lungs.

I just join,

become apart,

like ice melting in a glass of water.

And I am nothing and no one,

but everything and all.

I am quiet; I am calm.

I am a chaotic energy, a chaotic sound.

Time and Time and Time Again (a lyric poem)

I told you time and time again,

“depressed girls just don’t fit in.”

And every single day I live

I think of just ending it.

 

You told me time and time again,

“in my arms you fit right in.

Baby let me see you smile

I promise life is worth while.”

 

Then at night I am alone,

not in your arms; I am not home.

“Please come save me from myself;

I swear those pills are calling from my shelf.”

 

When at night you are alone

without me you don’t feel home.

You call me “please baby

I am here just talk to me.”

 

“The demons are screaming in my head

they keep asking why aren’t I dead.

Time and time and time again

I tell them I fit in.”

 

“That’s good love I’m proud of you.

What else did you do?

Come on hun talk to them.

Prove to them they cannot win.”

 

“Babe I told you time and time again

that they will forever win.

I told you I love you,

but myself I never do.”

 

“Love please don’t talk like this;

I promise we can fix this.

Babe I love you too.

Stay strong; I’ll help you.”

 

“I’m sorry, I just can’t.

I give in, no more chance.

I love you so much my dear,

the last words of my voice you’ll hear.”

 

“Baby please don’t go.

I need you; you are my home.

Baby please respond to me

or has you soul left me?”

Don’t Do It

And the anxiety comes.

“Goodnight”

“What’s wrong?!”

“It doesn’t matter. Goodbye.”

“Don’t do it”

Don’t do it….then the world is supposed to be perfect. Don’t do it and all the pain will go away. Don’t do it and you will be okay…happy. Don’t do it, just simply don’t do it. I didn’t do it and I cry. The heart stopping, breath breaking, and body crippling me is still here. But everything is supposed to be perfect because he cares. He has to care because he said “don’t do it.” Don’t do it and I fell back into the burning hell inside my head, as I remain trapped under the blankets on my bed, as I feel parts of me die. Don’t do it, but I couldn’t control the part that did.