“It’s okay to cry”

I stare into my eyes as the tears fall down my cheek. My crystal blue eyes gleam back at me in the mirror. My demons take root in me. “God I am so beautiful when I am in pain” I feel comfort in my hurt. A level of acceptance in my tears that I cannot form when I smile. To my eyes, my smile is nothing more than a fake picture framed for all to see. Allowing everyone else to keep their level of comfort in the idea of my contentment. In the idea that I feel something other than self hate when I see my teeth shine through my lips, in the moments where my demons like to tease me with the idea of happiness. Then they remind me of how beautiful I am when I frown. When the corners of my lips remain down… like my head… like my body in my bed. With all of these voices in my head, no I swear I am not crazy, but maybe, just maybe, I am lying. I stare into my eyes as the tears fall down my cheek. It’s okay to cry they remind me, but God forbid I crack a smile. Crack a smile and they crack the whip on the resting being of my anxiety. Now sprinting, frantic. The panic attack begins.  I stare into my eyes as the tears fall down my cheek. I realize I am no longer there. I calm. My chest is empty and my ears ring in the sound of my ending. I exhale slowly hoping it’s the last time. I breathe back in as I cry and cry and cry. I watch the tears leaving their mark on my face. Reminding me that my death is trapped in a still living body. My body the house of a lost soul which died long ago. I stare into my eyes as the tears fall down my cheek. And I stare into the face of death. Me.

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