Puddin’

I, an open vessel

wait to be filled.

I lower the floodgates

and you pour your love into me

causing my love for you to overflow

back into you.

Pouring and pouring,

but we never empty.

I am filled by you,

by every piece of you,

by every emotion you speak and feel.

I am overwhelmed but calm,

a little scared,

but you make me feel safe.


I, a poet

rarely find the aspiration

to write a love poem.

I write when a feeling becomes too much,

too much to contain inside myself.

You are too much for me to contain inside myself.

I need you to be free.

I need you to pour out of me,

onto keyboards and into books.

I need the world to know:

how loved you made me feel in this exact moment,

how inspiring you are.

You are my muse for love.

When I think of you I get excited about the idea of it.

Did he ever love me?

Everything’s okay.

Just get in the car and go.

Just shake their hands; say hello.

Everything’s okay.


It’s just another day.

You see your father lifeless in a coffin

and your hate for him softens.

It’s not just another day,


but everything’s still okay.

Black fabrics soaked by yours brothers’ tears,

making it completely clear,

that everything is not okay.

I hate him.

Sorrow bubbles to my eyes;

I try to pop it with my eyelashes before it liquifies.

I hate him.


Did he ever love me?

How much does forgiveness demand…

to forgive someone who only rose a violent hand

instead of their children? Did he ever love me?


I can’t just hate him.

A need to love, to forgive him shown on my cheeks.

Love is something fatherless children can’t help but seek.

I can’t just hate him.


He couldn’t have loved me.

He only ever brought me pain.

Made my sanity impossible to maintain.

He never loved me.


Everything is okay again;

it’s just another day.

I hate him

because he never loved me.

Drowning in Blue

Dangerous blues,

tormenting eyes,

a wet

face

which was told lies: “I love you”. A cold

heart


awaiting death. She poisoned my heart

with sugar lips and false happiness. My chest a blue

cavern. My insides hollow and cold.

I think of her eyes

and a tear runs down my face.

A salty taste between my wet


lips. Soaking wet,

like my drowning heart.

Sinking in the image of her face,

in her enthralling blue

eyes.

Her waters unbearably cold,


overflowing from my chest. Pouring from my cold

wet

eyes

dripping waters to the rhythm of my heart.

My heart beat until it was made of only purples and blues.

The beat of Blues music so sweet, so sorrow. No sugar smile left on my face.

I’m haunted at the thought of her face,

at how it brings me pain on cold

vibrant blue

nights. The air wet 

quivering with longing, a moisture made of my heart’s

regrets: “I love you too”. The night’s twinkling eyes

see how she hurt me. They know that her lies, her eyes,

are something I cannot bare to face.

Her words rockin’ me to sleep with sugar sweet lullalies. This heart-

ache never ends. Make her stop singing! The cold

snow falling around me. I’m being buried in this frozen wetness

that I cannot escape from. Staring up at blue


memories filled with sorrows and sympathetic twinkling eyes. Cold

whiteness layering on my face. Engulfed by a wet

burning sensation until I feel nothing; my body frozen blue.

“I love you”….. her singing stops.

Salt

Quick heart beats in cold vacant parking lots.

The tight grip, heavy breaths,

sweat.

My face shoved down hard into his backseat,

the fabric rug burned onto my cheek.

The smell of air freshener and sorrow.


His tongue tasted of the salts of my skin when he kissed me goodbye and said “I love you.”

If only I said goodbye to myself too:

a subtle wave, 

a tear.


Every salt, every atom of my sanity was stolen from me that night

Now I am bland: baggy hoodies and layered clothing,

unfun,

unlike those free “wild” girls

showing their bodies with pride.


My pride on a platter,

picked away from his teeth with a toothpick

until all that remained was nothing.


Our friends keep asking if I’m okay.

He smiles in their faces, puts his arm around me;

I say, “of course!”

I put on this show day after day,

month after month.

He says “I love you.”

Our friends applaud with so cutes and awww how sweets,

but I say nothing.

Head hung low, my eyes tell all,

whispering truths to the pavement.


He kisses my cheek…

it burns.

He says “I love you”

“Awww how sweet”

But this time,

I raise my head,

chin high, tears running down face,

My voice stern with anger,  “HOW SALT!”

Bleeding in your name

He told me he loved me

and when I turned away he ran to me,

dropped to his knees in front of me and said he was sorry,

grabbed me and pulled me close to him,

buried his face into my stomach,

pleaded for my love,

pleaded for me to not give up on him.

And the blood began dripping from my wrists,

my hand is his hair trying to comfort him,

I watched as it seeped into his hair.

I dropped to my knees.

I pulled him close and held him,

but I felt nothing. 

I watched the blood stain his clothes.

He told me he loves me.

I said nothing.

He opened his eyes, 

panic.

He began wrapping one of my arms in his shirt.

He cried.

And I raised my hand to his cheek to comfort him,

caressed it and said:

“I love for you,”

“I hurt for you,”

“I bleed for you.”

He held me in his arms

And I closed my eyes.

I felt nothing.

And soon after I was nothing.

Romanticized Suicide

I just want to cry in your arms until I fall asleep. Fall asleep in your arms one last time and never wake up. I want you to hold me as my mind finally finds peace.

Hold my hand while I pull the trigger. Help me fill my pockets with stones and hold my hand until I sink into the waters. Kiss me on the forehead right before I swallow the pills and hold my body tight until I overdose.

Wipe my tears as you look into my eyes and see how hopeless I can be. See how weak I am, how sick I am, how tired I am. Look into my eyes and see what it’s like to be dead inside one’s body.

I Miss You (a lyric poem)

I miss you,

every single day,

even single night.

Without you I,

I can flap my winds

but I can’t fuckin’ fly.

But damn baby,

I swear if I could,

I’d be by your side.

I miss you;

whenever you’re gone,

it just don’t feel right.

I need you.

Why does my bed feel so empty tonight?

My minds fucked up

and I need you

to hold me real tight.

I miss you

and you heartbeat talkin’ to me.

Sayin’ clam down.

Come on slow your breaths

please try baby.

You feel that?

Feel that in your chest,

that’s hope beating.

Time and Time and Time Again (a lyric poem)

I told you time and time again,

“depressed girls just don’t fit in.”

And every single day I live

I think of just ending it.

 

You told me time and time again,

“in my arms you fit right in.

Baby let me see you smile

I promise life is worth while.”

 

Then at night I am alone,

not in your arms; I am not home.

“Please come save me from myself;

I swear those pills are calling from my shelf.”

 

When at night you are alone

without me you don’t feel home.

You call me “please baby

I am here just talk to me.”

 

“The demons are screaming in my head

they keep asking why aren’t I dead.

Time and time and time again

I tell them I fit in.”

 

“That’s good love I’m proud of you.

What else did you do?

Come on hun talk to them.

Prove to them they cannot win.”

 

“Babe I told you time and time again

that they will forever win.

I told you I love you,

but myself I never do.”

 

“Love please don’t talk like this;

I promise we can fix this.

Babe I love you too.

Stay strong; I’ll help you.”

 

“I’m sorry, I just can’t.

I give in, no more chance.

I love you so much my dear,

the last words of my voice you’ll hear.”

 

“Baby please don’t go.

I need you; you are my home.

Baby please respond to me

or has you soul left me?”

And baby when…

And baby when the sun dried up the rainforest into a desert, I walked amongst the remains thinking of you. When the ocean swallowed the mountains, I swam in the waters wanting you. When a black hole devoured the galaxy, my body floated in the nothingness hoping for you. And baby when the impossible was done, I had you. Now I question, when the rain regrows the forest, the ocean spits out the mountains, the galaxy is freed from the darkness, and I am left, will you be mine still.

Into the Ocean

And into the ocean, I ran into you.

You filled my lungs with you overbearing saltiness. The warmth of your waters caressing my skin as I drown in you. Then I am coughing once again gasping for air. “I learned my lesson,” I tell myself. But when your waves reach my feet resting in the sand I feel that warmth, that comfort and home I had found within you.

And into the ocean, I ran into you.

With the result of a confused kind of love growing deeper than the depth of your very being. I fell in love with every crash, tumble, and current, which struck me harder than anything else imaginable. Each time I came out more breathless and desperate to be apart of you. I’m coughed up the memories, which cooled once they hit the air, but the warmth remained deep in my body and soul, permanently there, leaving a craving, an addiction, for more.