Bleeding in your name

He told me he loved me

and when I turned away he ran to me,

dropped to his knees in front of me and said he was sorry,

grabbed me and pulled me close to him,

buried his face into my stomach,

pleaded for my love,

pleaded for me to not give up on him.

And the blood began dripping from my wrists,

my hand is his hair trying to comfort him,

I watched as it seeped into his hair.

I dropped to my knees.

I pulled him close and held him,

but I felt nothing. 

I watched the blood stain his clothes.

He told me he loves me.

I said nothing.

He opened his eyes, 

panic.

He began wrapping one of my arms in his shirt.

He cried.

And I raised my hand to his cheek to comfort him,

caressed it and said:

“I love for you,”

“I hurt for you,”

“I bleed for you.”

He held me in his arms

And I closed my eyes.

I felt nothing.

And soon after I was nothing.

Bullet After Bullet

I rest the barrel against my head as my eyes water. My eyes water, but not of distraught or pain, but of hope. A hope of peace and a hope of being settled. A smile forms across my face as my finger clenches against the trigger. A ringing fills my ears as my soul steps out of my body. I look down upon my lifeless body doing nothing more than making a mess, taking up space.

The ringing stops.

I feel it in my chest. I feel it. It is still here.

I drop to my knees as the demons walk out of the shadows.

“Oh honey did you really think you could get rid of us that easily”

I grab the gun from my dead body and raise it to my head. I pull the trigger and the bullets shoot through me into the wall. Bullet after bullet until the chamber is empty. Laughter fills the room along with my now hopeless sobs. I crawl to my body and lay with it in the pool of blood which has formed. I cradle my dead body in my arms as the torment continues.

“You will never escape us”

They surround me and I realize I will never be free from this.

Late Night LullaBYEs (lyric poem)

Cut my leg and watch it bleed.

Drag the blood into some trees.

In God we trust they said to me.

 

Form my home, my Devil’s church.

Feel the sting, just a little hurt.

Come on sweetie, we’ll make It work.

 

One, two, three, sing your ABCs.

Bullied kids, they cry desperately.

Your jokes can burn in hell with thee.

 

Broken soul under all this meat.

Stupid fucking heart, why do you beat?

On your knees, come pray with me.

 

ABC, count your numbers please.

All these kids hanging’ under trees.

But it’s okay as long as you believe.

 

Cut my leg and watch it bleed.

Drag the blood into some trees.

In God we trust they said to me.

You Promised

Depression wipes my tears as he chokes me so sweetly close to death. He releases and allows me to take a breath. And repeat. And repeat. And I hyperventilate this time when he lets go because I forgot how to take in breaths slow. My body won’t stop shaking as I pace the room. All my panic shouts at my lungs as they refuse to calm, as they refuse to fill. I think of all the times I have apologized for shaking. All the times I explained that “I’m fine. It’s normal. I’m okay.” Then I gasp and stop. I stop trembling and I hold my breath until I inhale silently. Exhale and the feeling of emptiness in my chest rises.

Depression chains me to my bed so that I can’t move. I sit still. Too still. As part of me remains trapped in my body, my soul feels like it’s gone. I am half alive and half dead. I think of all the times I have regretted not being there for someone. Hurt someone and felt nothing, but later hated myself in every part of my being for being such trash. For embodying the devil’s spirit as depression laughs at me. He tightens my chains.

Depression hands me a blade. He’s screaming. He’s screaming and he won’t stop. I can’t breath. I’m shaking. I can’t stop shaking as my hand shifts, the blade tears open my skin. “Oh my God Mommy you promised they would help me,” as I watch the blood leave my body. “Mommy you promised they could help me,” cut after cut after cut.

Depression grabs the blade and pours alcohol over my body. I scream in pain. He applies pressure to stop the bleeding. He laughs in my face as he says not yet; we are just getting started.

Devil’s Blood

Cold silence fills my surroundings and I grow with impatience. I can’t do this anymore. My eyes open for the first time in this world for me to find total darkness. My eyes frantically scan for an answer. My eyes meet something shimmering at my feet. I grab it and an energy explodes in a form of light and I can see nothing. I rub my fingers across the item and suddenly I wince from pain. My fingers slide over the sharp edge and I smile with anticipation. Slowly I run the sharp edge down my arm as my eyes tighten from the slight pain. A warmth forms at the intersection of the blade and my skin. I feel the blood glide across my skin and pool down the side of my arm. My blood drips away from my skin towards the ground. Flashes of light peak into my shut eyelids moments after each drop leaves my skin. My eyes remain locked and I feel a heat against my face. Fear swims through my body and my desire to open my eyes forms a stronger current. My eyes slingshot open and are immediately overwhelmed by light. I watch as my blood dribbles to the ground and forms gorgeous flames at my feet. Another shimmer appears in the distance and I run to it without hesitation. I grab the sharp edge. I quickly slice open my other arm and shake off the blood as I birth fire. I rub my hands across my cuts trying to scrape my blood onto the floor. Small flames form, but I am nowhere near satisfied. A shimmer in the distance and I sprint. Cut after cut, I bleed and bleed. My body finally taken over by pain as a tear rolls down my face onto a flame. My tear mixes into the flame and I watch as lava forms. I am overtaken and I must create more. A shimmer and this time I cut for pain. Tears pour from my eyes and lava forms within each crevice. I collapse to my knees as my body finally reaches its limit. The last of my tears and blood gather in front of me. I lay in pain as eyes are too dry to form tears and as my veins are too empty to spew blood. I blink in the light and beauty of my creation as I find comfort in the end. A hand extends itself from the lava that has gathered in front of me. I watch as it shapes into recognizable anatomy. My very own child forms as I die. I watch as my son grows in front of my eyes, while I shrink. Seconds later he stands with the height of a grown man as I have withered away to nothing more than skin and bones . “My son”, I mutter as life leaves my body and fills his soul, “Hades”.