Romanticized Suicide

I just want to cry in your arms until I fall asleep. Fall asleep in your arms one last time and never wake up. I want you to hold me as my mind finally finds peace.

Hold my hand while I pull the trigger. Help me fill my pockets with stones and hold my hand until I sink into the waters. Kiss me on the forehead right before I swallow the pills and hold my body tight until I overdose.

Wipe my tears as you look into my eyes and see how hopeless I can be. See how weak I am, how sick I am, how tired I am. Look into my eyes and see what it’s like to be dead inside one’s body.

But then there’s the type of man

When I say I don’t feel well and ask to just stay in today he said “of course” and says he will take care of me. But then there’s that type of man which smiles because they don’t have to spend money for Netflix and chill.

When I say I am cold he wraps me in blankets and holds me close to his chest. But then there’s type of man who ignores you, proceeds to remove your clothes, and says “oh baby don’t worry I will make you feel better.”

When I say I am I tired he lays with me and runs his fingers through my hair until I fall fast asleep. But then there’s the type of man that will kiss you, hold you down, and fuck you because he’s not tired so, “open up for daddy”.

When I tell him my throat hurts he warms up some soup to ease the pain. But then there’s that type of man which will tighten his grip only releasing to shove himself down your throat, because he thinks his magic fucking jizz will cure all your problems. Who needs medicine when you have a man to fuck you right?

“Hold still, come on baby I can make you feel good.” As he shoves into you roughly. Your body moves with him involuntarily, while every other part of your being shuts down waiting for it to be over. He holds you down because he doesn’t need to get consent; he is only raping you after all. And really what is rape except a few minutes of his pleasure and you being spread open for his ego to fill you? His male privilege deep inside where it does not belong. His ears trained to hear your “no” and screams as consent, moans, and “yes daddy fuck me harder.” This is the type of man raised by our patriarchy, a rapist.

Bullet After Bullet

I rest the barrel against my head as my eyes water. My eyes water, but not of distraught or pain, but of hope. A hope of peace and a hope of being settled. A smile forms across my face as my finger clenches against the trigger. A ringing fills my ears as my soul steps out of my body. I look down upon my lifeless body doing nothing more than making a mess, taking up space.

The ringing stops.

I feel it in my chest. I feel it. It is still here.

I drop to my knees as the demons walk out of the shadows.

“Oh honey did you really think you could get rid of us that easily”

I grab the gun from my dead body and raise it to my head. I pull the trigger and the bullets shoot through me into the wall. Bullet after bullet until the chamber is empty. Laughter fills the room along with my now hopeless sobs. I crawl to my body and lay with it in the pool of blood which has formed. I cradle my dead body in my arms as the torment continues.

“You will never escape us”

They surround me and I realize I will never be free from this.

I Miss You (a lyric poem)

I miss you,

every single day,

even single night.

Without you I,

I can flap my winds

but I can’t fuckin’ fly.

But damn baby,

I swear if I could,

I’d be by your side.

I miss you;

whenever you’re gone,

it just don’t feel right.

I need you.

Why does my bed feel so empty tonight?

My minds fucked up

and I need you

to hold me real tight.

I miss you

and you heartbeat talkin’ to me.

Sayin’ clam down.

Come on slow your breaths

please try baby.

You feel that?

Feel that in your chest,

that’s hope beating.

Time and Time and Time Again (a lyric poem)

I told you time and time again,

“depressed girls just don’t fit in.”

And every single day I live

I think of just ending it.

 

You told me time and time again,

“in my arms you fit right in.

Baby let me see you smile

I promise life is worth while.”

 

Then at night I am alone,

not in your arms; I am not home.

“Please come save me from myself;

I swear those pills are calling from my shelf.”

 

When at night you are alone

without me you don’t feel home.

You call me “please baby

I am here just talk to me.”

 

“The demons are screaming in my head

they keep asking why aren’t I dead.

Time and time and time again

I tell them I fit in.”

 

“That’s good love I’m proud of you.

What else did you do?

Come on hun talk to them.

Prove to them they cannot win.”

 

“Babe I told you time and time again

that they will forever win.

I told you I love you,

but myself I never do.”

 

“Love please don’t talk like this;

I promise we can fix this.

Babe I love you too.

Stay strong; I’ll help you.”

 

“I’m sorry, I just can’t.

I give in, no more chance.

I love you so much my dear,

the last words of my voice you’ll hear.”

 

“Baby please don’t go.

I need you; you are my home.

Baby please respond to me

or has you soul left me?”

Sex and Self Harm

Careful to wear baggy hoodies and sweatpants to avoid the attention of a man.  Head down, eyes low, and hair covering your face, the way society has taught women to behave. Hopefully he doesn’t think you’re pretty. But he does. And when he says so make sure to be polite and thank him. He smiles and asks for your number and of course you give it to him because……….And when he texts you and asks to come over at 1 am, say yes. You make sure to wear tight revealing clothes so he will think you’re worth……When he kisses you make sure to pretend you really do want more. And when his hands grip you, pray that he didn’t feel you flinch. When he removes your clothes hold your breath because he might actually realize you are there. Then when he tells you to turn over, get on your knees, and come closer, obey. And when he grabs hold of your shoulder to hold you in place, bite your lip to stop it from quivering. Remain silent until he is done with you. Wipe your face quick before he sees. You don’t want him to know you’re there. You don’t want him to see you as more than what you really are… BPD.

“I lost my virginity learning how to hurt myself with someone else’s body. What is assault if it is self inflicted? This illness was built on the same bones of misogyny that taught him it was okay to have sex with my dead body”  BPD by Coral More

Cat Calls and Homophobia

Cat calls and short skirts high enough for fingers to wander. To feel. Daddy issues passed from generation to generation. Taunting men and begging to be raped, the same way little girls dreamed of growing up alone and broken. Whispered sweets in little boys ears. Bent over tables, beaten, and invaded. Daddy issues passed on like knives and guns in the Bronx. Little boys becoming “men” with the bitter hate of homophobia forced into them. Clothes shattered and torn like our society’s morals shredded to create a sexist, homophobic, demonic ground for “men” to walk on. The bones of the victims crunching to make music for their ears. Different melodies and pitches screaming out their suffering and faced discriminations. Passive women obeying their kings. Nothing more than a disapointment to the eye. Mommy issues are hereditary like diseases spread in our DNA.

Late Night LullaBYEs (lyric poem)

Cut my leg and watch it bleed.

Drag the blood into some trees.

In God we trust they said to me.

 

Form my home, my Devil’s church.

Feel the sting, just a little hurt.

Come on sweetie, we’ll make It work.

 

One, two, three, sing your ABCs.

Bullied kids, they cry desperately.

Your jokes can burn in hell with thee.

 

Broken soul under all this meat.

Stupid fucking heart, why do you beat?

On your knees, come pray with me.

 

ABC, count your numbers please.

All these kids hanging’ under trees.

But it’s okay as long as you believe.

 

Cut my leg and watch it bleed.

Drag the blood into some trees.

In God we trust they said to me.

And baby when…

And baby when the sun dried up the rainforest into a desert, I walked amongst the remains thinking of you. When the ocean swallowed the mountains, I swam in the waters wanting you. When a black hole devoured the galaxy, my body floated in the nothingness hoping for you. And baby when the impossible was done, I had you. Now I question, when the rain regrows the forest, the ocean spits out the mountains, the galaxy is freed from the darkness, and I am left, will you be mine still.

Into the Ocean

And into the ocean, I ran into you.

You filled my lungs with you overbearing saltiness. The warmth of your waters caressing my skin as I drown in you. Then I am coughing once again gasping for air. “I learned my lesson,” I tell myself. But when your waves reach my feet resting in the sand I feel that warmth, that comfort and home I had found within you.

And into the ocean, I ran into you.

With the result of a confused kind of love growing deeper than the depth of your very being. I fell in love with every crash, tumble, and current, which struck me harder than anything else imaginable. Each time I came out more breathless and desperate to be apart of you. I’m coughed up the memories, which cooled once they hit the air, but the warmth remained deep in my body and soul, permanently there, leaving a craving, an addiction, for more.