Bleeding in your name

He told me he loved me

and when I turned away he ran to me,

dropped to his knees in front of me and said he was sorry,

grabbed me and pulled me close to him,

buried his face into my stomach,

pleaded for my love,

pleaded for me to not give up on him.

And the blood began dripping from my wrists,

my hand is his hair trying to comfort him,

I watched as it seeped into his hair.

I dropped to my knees.

I pulled him close and held him,

but I felt nothing. 

I watched the blood stain his clothes.

He told me he loves me.

I said nothing.

He opened his eyes, 

panic.

He began wrapping one of my arms in his shirt.

He cried.

And I raised my hand to his cheek to comfort him,

caressed it and said:

“I love for you,”

“I hurt for you,”

“I bleed for you.”

He held me in his arms

And I closed my eyes.

I felt nothing.

And soon after I was nothing.

Gingerbread Man

Run run run,

as fast as you can.

You can’t catch me; I’m the gingerbread man.

We run run run,

as fast as we can.

But he caught us.

And our skin crumbled like gingerbread.

Pieces of what we were supposed to be –

loved –

shattered on the floor.

We cup and scoop our pieces into our hands,

trying to morph them into something.

Something,

anything worth calling “me”…

anything worthy of being called in general.


Tears forming on my face

like the sound of a sad song caressing your cheek,

slow and cool.

My face crumbles like gingerbread.

I sob into an emptiness,

into the absence of his arms.

______: quiet, calm

a chaotic energy, a chaotic sound.

My body cleansed by the salt air,

like the layer of fear and rationality has been vanished by the vapor in my lungs.

Nothing makes sense about it,

but it doesn’t scare me like the unknown normally does.

There’s something about the sound,

something about the coolness around.

I am filling and being filled.

In and apart of this…

this atmosphere.

I am drawn to it, to where I am meant to be;

It just feels right.

I walk.


Footsteps on unmade glass,

a clear path.

My toes squish and sink,

but I feel arissen.

I can feel the rising sea.

I can see:

water at my feet,

burying my ankles,

water at my waist,

getting closer to my face,

closer to my peace.

And in my vision there is no drowning,

no water filling my lungs.

I just join,

become apart,

like ice melting in a glass of water.

And I am nothing and no one,

but everything and all.

I am quiet; I am calm.

I am a chaotic energy, a chaotic sound.

Like Candle Wax

My heart is too full,

gushing, exploding with emotions

seeping out all the love my body produces for it.

My mind a factory of feelings:

machines running, running, running;

running fast like thoughts,

like candle wax dripping onto my skin.

It’s nice; but sometimes it hurts a lot.

Sometimes I think I can handle it,

but then my body is left with scars,

with these emotions burned into my skin:

some more permanent than others.

I try my best to shed my skin of the memories,

but when I think, I remember everything,

remember all the hurt.

And I go numb.

My heart is empty,

like suffocating lungs.

Uncomfortable.

Needing.

Panicking to be full.

I breathe: in and out, in and out, and

in and out: until I think my lungs are going to explode,

until my body refuses to stop shaking,

until I am curled up on the cold wooden floor,

tears gushing down my face,

seeping out all the pain my body loves to create.

My mind an unforgiving factory,

refusing to shut down when I beg it to.

It keeps running:

running, running, running,

like candle wax pouring onto my skin,

burning and scaring everything it touches.

Cotton Candy Conformity (lyric poem)

Let me be your cotton candy dream.

Sweetest taste between you teeth.

Let me be your cotton candy queen.

That pink royalty.

And I can be your cotton candy king.

Less labels so there’s more I can be.

Why can’t I just be a cotton candy treat?

Mixin’ pink and blue, that’s so sweet.

Fuck cotton candy conformity.

This is who I was born to be.

“How are you?”

“How are you?”

Keep it in and everything will be okay. Just keep it in. Just breathe. Breathe! Just fucking  breathe; you are so incapable of anything, my God! Breathe. Keep it in. Stop shaking. You need to stop shaking. Stop shaking right now. I’m so sorry that I am… shh stop keep it in. Pretend it’s not there. I can’t; this is... stop. Stop breaking down. You don’t matter. You don’t get to break down. You need to be okay. Be okay. Keep it in. Bottle it up. I can’t. You have to. I hate myself. No one cares, now shut up. No thoughts, no feeling, no anything, just be okay. Okay?

“I’m okay. How are you?”