What’s Wrong?

You ask me what’s wrong

And I am really trying to stay strong

But I sit around all day long

With a tornado for a mind and crypt as a bed

With demons ripping me into pieces within my head

And the only thing I can feel is dead

Yes when I touch the cool air

There is cold, but really no feelings there

And I’ve noticed that the way I love remains unfair

Push push away

But my soul begs you to stay

And through these tears I admit I am afraid

Because throughout these years

That I have been here

My purpose has been blurry and a little unclear

My body rocks as my heart stops

Stops

Stops

Then the numbness of death fills my chest

Like the same feeling of what little love I have left

The little bit of hope which makes me obsessed

No

I must go

So I drag my body, slow

Slowly my skin scabs and bruises

and I’m content with all the blood my body loses

I know, my words don’t seem to make much sense

But the feeling in my body is so intense

And I still feel the need to repent

I’m sorry for not being okay

And I’m sorry if my love is just in your way

And I am sorry that there’s never enough or way too much for me to say

All I Can Keep Saying Is I’m Sorry

And all I can keep sayin is I’m sorry

For the way she made you feel, but I’m lonely

And your lovin ain’t as real as it used to be

Used to be, yeah as it used to be

Take it way back the good old days

When you would laugh, make me smile, and then kiss my face

Leavin marks on my body that I won’t erase

That I can’t erase, yeah that I can’t erase

Her essence still haunts you

Drives you crazy to the point where I don’t know you

What happened to your soul; is it gone too?

Is it gone too? Who are you?

And all I can keep sayin is I’m sorry

For feelin like I need to always guard me

But with every word that you say, it always harm me

Harms me? Screw that it kills me!

No I’m done with all this 

Screw all these feelings and baby you just know this

I’m done always crying

And denying this love I’ve always had with me dying

Because my soul seems to be complying

To the devil or the demons that are inside me

Screw all this 

Screw me, can’t believe I even wrote this

Pretend it’s all okay and like you don’t know 

Because being ignorant has always helped this

Smoke some weed and pretend not to notice

Like you always do as you run quick

Jump the fence as soon as my soul hits

Hits rock bottom as you stayed afloat

As my own mind was my own scapegoat

You didn’t mind all the polution

It fell into the pond and you acted innocent

Pretending like the water was pure

But once you get infected there is no cure

Poppin pills hopin for a smile

And to feel something every once in awhile

And not putting everything you do on trial

Always guilty, found convicted, without denial

And all I can keep sayin is I’m sorry

If my crazy mind is too much for you to be with me

But just know that your mind is just as messed up

And despite all this pain I ain’t givin up

Because I love you

And no matter happens that will always be true

But for now I’m saying sorry

For being in love with you when you don’t want me to be

Washing Away Ink Stains

The music flows through me without mercy

Although for some there’s no controversy

My heart is struck as the music flows

And this pain is something I never chose

I’m sorry,  I know you don’t want to hear this

But this is not something that I can’t remiss

You have engulfed my very being

And I am now finally seeing

Presently I am overwhelmingly feeling

Something that may be unappealing

I’m sorry I am not what you want right now

But my mind just keeps asking me how

How was I so blind before

And so okay with washing your blood off my floor

How was I so okay with trying to erase ink stains

And convincing myself that your love was a form of chains

How was I so okay with leaving you

And having such a dumb point of view

Your blood washed away but still haunts my home

And the ink stains glare at me when I am all alone

But worst of all my ankles and wrist have no scars

Because your love never consisted of chains nor bars

Rape

Dark

It’s so dark

The air’s moist and smells of sweat

But not a single scent of regret

The feeling lingers

With marks and scratches from his fingers

Blood

I, I taste blood

But the flavor of his skin remains

In my mouth which he stole and claimed

And I swallow

Then realize my lungs are hollow

Breathe

Just breathe

I choke down air

Now that his hands aren’t there

Now he’s gone

And I no longer have to play along

Blurred

My vision blurred

But I still could see his face

As he threw me down into this place

I am lost

But I was someone’s opportunity cost

Left

They just left

Then I was all alone with him

And the room just felt of grim

Then it began

As he held me down with his hands

Now

What now

Forever a victim of rape

Now a little girl with her own  tape

And the scars

Which will never be mentioned in the memoirs

 

A Broken Game

I searched through the quotes to try to find something that resembled how you make me feel

All the song lyrics bring up something, but it just isn’t as real

My heart was broken and still breaking when we met

And I really tried to warn you that falling for me is a threat

But you refused to listen and caught feelings so fast

And here I am forcing myself to think of you as someone of my past

Because when you fell I held onto you tight

And felt safe in your arms each night

I’m sorry that what I have to offer isn’t what you need

That sometimes my feelings may mislead

But hun I can’t trust myself

And being near, you’ll just hurt yourself

I’m sure you think that I forgot about you

That moving on from guys for me is nothing new

But you’re wrong

And I’ve been hurting even more since you’ve been gone

My heart tells me to reach out

But my mind knows that you’re better without

Trust me I know it hurts, but you’ll move on

Someone who can actually love you will come along

I’m too broken, way passed being fixed

Not running now would be too much of a risk

 

I searched through the quotes and nothing fit

But no one talks about playing while telling everyone else to quit.

Baby leave the game pieces

Step away from the table, leave this

Don’t worry I’ll box myself up

No need to stay around for this clean up

I put myself away so that you don’t need to stay

And typically I do lose a few parts along the way

Then someone else comes along with an attitude like you

Treating this ripped up board game like it’s something new

I’ll send them away even if it feels like a sin

Because I must save people from a board game that one cannot win

After a round or two they get frustrated with the game that doesn’t want to be played

That screams at you to go as it begs you to stay

Don’t listen to the hopeful side

It will die away soon when it’s convinced that it is all a lie

My Life Is A Mess

When I tell you my life is a mess

No I’m not talking about normal stress

I’m not talking about having to work

And filling out all that college paperwork

I’m not talking about time management

Because I can handle it

Money hasn’t really been a problem

Because thankfully I’m not jobless

 

When I tell you my life is a mess

I’m referring to being depressed

The demons which sing sweet suicidal lullabyes

And my insomnia which keeps me awake all night

I’m talking about walking around half alive

With all of my emotions archived

With my body shaking tremendously

As my thoughts beg for someone to save me

But my lips locked up, shut

And all I can think of is how to give up

Each day I hold back the attacks

I’m exhausted, they have an impact

 

When I tell you my life is a mess

I am not trying to transgress

I need to fit into society’s labels

But with and without them I remain unstable

My health is damaged

Because my wellness isn’t well managed

I am always sick

That’s what no one gets

My mental illness ruins my body fully

Because this sickness is unruly

 

When I tell you my life is a mess

There’s something I want to express

My physical illness spawned from my depression

And I am saying this without question

Because when I want to die I want to die

My body becomes my enemy not ally

I stop eating normally

And isolate myself socially

Dehydration is sure to occur

I ignore my body that’s for sure

But when I start coughing I still don’t care

Because it relates to my own welfare

My depression doesn’t allow me to help myself

Who cares about  physical health when you want to kill yourself

In a Perfect World

In a perfect world I would have been yours; you would have been mine. Our love would be sweeter than freshly grown sugar cane. Our future clearer than the crystal blue waters you grew up in. Our path smoother than the waters flowing gently between rocks. Your heart softer than the feeling of your lips caressing mine. In a perfect world I would be able to lay in your arms each night and savor all the sweet forehead kisses. But this is not a perfect world. I am not yours and you are not mine. Our love is sweet but more like a sugar substitute, more fake. Our future is blackened by the fog of reality. Our path as smooth as the jagged knife that has ripped through my heart. Your heart rough as the lies I tell myself. In this world I never lay in your arms and each kiss feels stolen and forbidden. This is the real world.

You Stayed

On the side watching your friend in pain,

they see the world in only gray.

Listening to everything they say that’s insane,

and sometimes you don’t know what to say.

 

Having to see your best friend cry,

trying to comfort them.

Hearing them say they want to just die,

they break, they fall, like a broken stem.

 

Even though it hurts you inside

you listen to their cry for help.

Even though you know you’ve tried

you continue to listen to their yelp.

 

You watch them rot away

like an apple core.

You tell them tomorrow’s a new day

they say you’ve said that before.

 

This goes on for months or years;

the depression may fade.

After sitting with them and shedding those tears

they know you care because you stayed.