Did he ever love me?

Everything’s okay.

Just get in the car and go.

Just shake their hands; say hello.

Everything’s okay.


It’s just another day.

You see your father lifeless in a coffin

and your hate for him softens.

It’s not just another day,


but everything’s still okay.

Black fabrics soaked by yours brothers’ tears,

making it completely clear,

that everything is not okay.

I hate him.

Sorrow bubbles to my eyes;

I try to pop it with my eyelashes before it liquifies.

I hate him.


Did he ever love me?

How much does forgiveness demand…

to forgive someone who only rose a violent hand

instead of their children? Did he ever love me?


I can’t just hate him.

A need to love, to forgive him shown on my cheeks.

Love is something fatherless children can’t help but seek.

I can’t just hate him.


He couldn’t have loved me.

He only ever brought me pain.

Made my sanity impossible to maintain.

He never loved me.


Everything is okay again;

it’s just another day.

I hate him

because he never loved me.

Drowning in Blue

Dangerous blues,

tormenting eyes,

a wet

face

which was told lies: “I love you”. A cold

heart


awaiting death. She poisoned my heart

with sugar lips and false happiness. My chest a blue

cavern. My insides hollow and cold.

I think of her eyes

and a tear runs down my face.

A salty taste between my wet


lips. Soaking wet,

like my drowning heart.

Sinking in the image of her face,

in her enthralling blue

eyes.

Her waters unbearably cold,


overflowing from my chest. Pouring from my cold

wet

eyes

dripping waters to the rhythm of my heart.

My heart beat until it was made of only purples and blues.

The beat of Blues music so sweet, so sorrow. No sugar smile left on my face.

I’m haunted at the thought of her face,

at how it brings me pain on cold

vibrant blue

nights. The air wet 

quivering with longing, a moisture made of my heart’s

regrets: “I love you too”. The night’s twinkling eyes

see how she hurt me. They know that her lies, her eyes,

are something I cannot bare to face.

Her words rockin’ me to sleep with sugar sweet lullalies. This heart-

ache never ends. Make her stop singing! The cold

snow falling around me. I’m being buried in this frozen wetness

that I cannot escape from. Staring up at blue


memories filled with sorrows and sympathetic twinkling eyes. Cold

whiteness layering on my face. Engulfed by a wet

burning sensation until I feel nothing; my body frozen blue.

“I love you”….. her singing stops.

Salt

Quick heart beats in cold vacant parking lots.

The tight grip, heavy breaths,

sweat.

My face shoved down hard into his backseat,

the fabric rug burned onto my cheek.

The smell of air freshener and sorrow.


His tongue tasted of the salts of my skin when he kissed me goodbye and said “I love you”.

If only I said goodbye to myself too:

a subtle wave, 

a tear.


Every salt, every atom of my sanity was stolen from me that night

Now I am bland: baggy hoodies and layered clothing,

unfun,

unlike those free “wild” girls

showing their bodies with pride.


My pride on a platter,

picked away from his teeth with a toothpick

until all that remained was nothing.


Our friends keep asking if I’m okay.

He smiles in their faces, puts his arm around me;

I say, “of course!”

I put on this show day after day,

month after month.

He says “I love you.”

Our friends applaud with so cutes and awww how sweets,

but I say nothing.

Head hung low, my eyes tell all,

whispering truths to the pavement.


He kisses my cheek…

it burns.

He says “I love you”

“Awww how sweet”

But this time,

I raise my head,

chin high, tears running down face,

My voice stern with anger  “HOW SALT!”

semi-Summer romance

The taste of a semi-Summer romance

A dance

Of a need to be loved and wanting to love

He held me close to his chest

Desperate to feel something other than empty

And I gave him everything

Filled him of all his cravings

I allowed him to swallow me whole

Trusted that he’d keep me safe in the pit of his heart

A part

Of me drenched in fear, the other swooning 

I questioned our happy until it was routine

Smiled like it wasn’t something weird to me

Laughed until I cried so much that it felt like that was the only reason to cry anymore

But that’s not true

There’s always a reason to cry

It just hides from us sometimes

Like a secret

Or the truth

Ashes

Ashes to ashes

My lungs full of dust

Growing from their ruins

Love wasn’t enough


Growing in the flames

Burning all the same

No point of bandages 

That will incinerate off

Forced to feel

Must wait to heal


When the fire stops

I will try to find peace in the ashes

My skins painted black

I must cleanse my body of your mistakes

Remove the poison from inside


Let go of the hate 

Which fueled the flames

In order to stop the burning


Rewrite my DNA to rid myself on them

Erase both 50s in a hundred 

Then what’s left of me

0

And if I’m nothing am i really anything

Anyone

I am lost

Learning the truth

Learning how alone they left us

Bleeding in your name

He told me he loved me

And when I turned away he ran to me

Dropped to his knees in front of me and said he was sorry

Grabbed me and pulled me close to him

Buried his face into my stomach

Pleaded for my love

Pleaded for me to not give up on him

And the blood began dripping from my wrists

My hand is his hair trying to comfort him

I watched as it seeped into his hair

I dropped to my knees

I pulled him close and held him

But I felt nothing 

I watched the blood stain his clothes

He told me he loves me

I said nothing 

He opened his eyes 

Panic

Began wrapping one arm in his shirt

He cried

And I raised my hand to his cheek to comfort him

Caressed it

“I love for you”

“I hurt for you”

“I bleed for you”

He held me in his arms

And I closed my eyes

I felt nothing

And soon after I was nothing

Gingerbread Man

Run run run,

as fast as you can.

You can’t catch me; I’m the gingerbread man.

We run run run,

as fast as we can.

But he caught us.

And our skin crumbled like gingerbread.

Pieces of what we were supposed to be,

loved,

shattered on the floor.

We cup and scoop our pieces into our hands,

trying to morph them into something.

Something,

anything worth calling “me”…

anything worthy of being called in general.


Tears forming on my face

like the sound of a sad song caressing your cheek,

slow and cool.

My face crumbles like gingerbread.

I sob into an emptiness,

into the absence of his arms.

______: quiet, calm

______: quiet, calm,

a chaotic energy, a chaotic sound.

My body cleansed by the salt air,

like the layer of fear and rationality has been vanished by the vapor in my lungs.

Nothing makes sense about it,

but it doesn’t scare me like the unknown normally does.

There’s something about the sound,

something about the coolness around.

I am filling and being filled.

In and apart of this…

this atmosphere.

I am drawn to it, to where I am meant to be;

It just feels right.

I walk.


Footsteps on unmade glass,

a clear path.

My toes squish and sink,

but I feel arissen.

I can feel rising sea.

I can see:

water at my feet,

burying my ankles,

water at my waist,

getting closer to my face,

closer to my peace.

And in my vision there is no drowning,

no water filling my lungs.

I just join,

become apart

like ice melting in a glass of water.

And I am nothing and no one,

but everything and all.

I am quiet; I am calm.

I am a chaotic energy, a chaotic sound.

Like Candle Wax

My heart is too full,

gushing, exploding with emotions

seeping out all the love my body produces for it.

My mind a factory of feelings:

machines running, running, running;

running fast like thoughts,

like candle wax dripping onto my skin.

It’s nice; but sometimes it hurts a lot.

Sometimes I think I can handle it,

but then my body is left with scars,

with these emotions burned into my skin:

some more permanent than others.

I try my best to shed my skin of the memories,

but when I think, I remember everything,

remember all the hurt.

And I go numb.

My heart is empty,

like suffocating lungs.

Uncomfortable.

Needing.

Panicking to be full.

I breathe: in and out, in and out, and

in and out: until I think my lungs are going to explode,

until my body refuses to stop shaking,

until I am curled up on the cold wooden floor,

tears gushing down my face,

seeping out all the pain my body loves to create.

My mind an unforgiving factory,

refusing to shut down when I beg it to.

It keeps running:

running, running, running,

like candle wax pouring onto my skin,

burning and scaring everything it touches.

Hellish Heart

My heart feels like the soil beneath a body filled casket

Constantly pressed down and pushed upon

With a constant question circling but I haven’t yet asked it

What went wrong

 

It seems that things can only linger in this state of mind

Like nothing can be solved or discovered

The same thoughts get stuck on rewind

But no solutions ever uncovered

 

My heart feels like the stomach of a girl who became addicted to self starvation

The sharp exhausting pains are constant

But it compares not to my lack of mental stabilization

Which tells me food is unimportant

 

My stomach begs me to nourish myself

But I can’t stomach a bite

Because my brain says you might as well kill yourself

If you eat anything tonight

 

My heart feels like exploding into a thousands shards of glass

Ripping, shredding, and cutting any body that is near

Leaving blood and ruins in its path

With screams that continue to echo in my ear

 

But those screams sound like a light breeze

Bringing relief on a hot Summer day

Except the heat didn’t bother me

And my death and the pain only made me gay

 

My heart reflects the sunlight

Other parts drenched in blood

But all of it no longer fights

And all of me has finally given up

 

The blood on my shards is red

And it all is surround by the heat

My father claims me now that I’m dead

He takes all the souls he defeats